paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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