ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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