What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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