i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
