I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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