And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
