I met the friendliest cop last night
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You are the jesus of drinking
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
