everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
