The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
