I wish I could teleport
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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