When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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