i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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