someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
