I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
