i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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