I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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