Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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