Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
