He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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