Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
