You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
