I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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