and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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