What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just blew my weed a kiss
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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