Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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