Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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