I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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