tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
