My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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