you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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