i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
