He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
