Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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