I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
