Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
