apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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