Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
