All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
