Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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