Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
