He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
