VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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