i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
