two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
