he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
