dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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