I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
