Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
