Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
