Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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