shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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