everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
