That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
