I smell stomach acid.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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