Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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