I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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