You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
