Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
