haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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