I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
